THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
Me : If you ever die, I'm moving back to New York.
El Rey : If you ever die I am moving to West Campus.
Friends, if I perish during my week of hiking/no drinking/no smoking/yoga/no coffee, please don't let my husband move to West Campus. I cannot have my babies raised by University of Texas sorority girls.
Next week at this time I will be high on life, or dead. My confused husband told people at our club that the spa I am going to was called Promises. It is not. Promises is a rebab center. The SPA I am going to is a swanky spa for people like me that have to pay to force themselves to be fit. Sad, I know.
The spa sends a packet to get you ready a month in advance. I have not weaned myself from any substances except diet coke. But I have been hiking!
Maybe I'll meet someone there. Oh wait, I don't think I would be attracted to a man that went to a spa. Plus I'm married.
When I was twenty something I worked in the Bid Department of Sotheby's in New York during The Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Sale. I had to enter thousands of bids and work nonstop.
Young and thin me, sobbing to my boss : I have lost my looks!!!
Boss, in High WASP lockjaw : Kiddo, everyone in this building thinks you are quite attractive. Go have a coffee and take a walk around the block!
At times I have my housekeeper take my children to the pool so I can lie in the dark and watch Ancient Aliens.
I solemnly vow to be the kind of person that cares about my appearance. I vow to embrace fitness, juicing things, and long walks on the beach. Just for the week I am away at the spa, mind you. Because after a week of no wine I am going to be
My newest cocktail napkin may be purchased here.