Me : If you ever die, I'm moving back to New York.

El Rey :  If you ever die I am moving to West Campus.

Friends, if I perish during my week of hiking/no drinking/no smoking/yoga/no coffee, please don't let my husband move to West Campus.  I cannot have my babies raised by University of Texas sorority girls.

Next week at this time I will be high on life, or dead.  My confused husband told people at our club that the spa I am going to was called Promises.  It is not.  Promises is a rebab center.  The SPA I am going to is a swanky spa for people like me that have to pay to force themselves to be fit.  Sad, I know.

The spa sends a packet to get you ready a month in advance.  I have not weaned myself from any substances except diet coke.  But I have been hiking!

Whenever I appear in hiking gear my husband screams and flees the room.
Why am I doing this?  A friend and I thought it would be a good idea months ago when we booked it.  Now I am just plain scared of exercise and lack of vices.

Maybe I'll meet someone there.  Oh wait, I don't think I would be attracted to a man that went to a spa.  Plus I'm married.
The sad truth is I really don't care what I look like.  I used to kind of care, but that was when I was young and needed no make up.

When I was twenty something I worked in the Bid Department of Sotheby's in New York during The Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Sale.  I had to enter thousands of bids and work nonstop.

Young and thin me, sobbing to my boss : I have lost my looks!!!

Boss, in High WASP lockjaw :  Kiddo, everyone in this building thinks you are quite attractive.  Go have a coffee and take a walk around the block!

Page from the enormous and fabulous JKO Catalogue
Cut to to present day.  Last Sunday I took the kids to the club to swim, as El Rey had to skedaddle out of town for lord knows what.  When I got to the club, to my amazement I was wearing a brown bathing suit that I had no recollection of purchasing.  The it hit me : I WAS WEARING MY HOUSEKEEPER'S BATHING SUIT!  She apparently stored it in my bathing suit drawer and I didn't notice.

At times I have my housekeeper take my children to the pool so I can lie in the dark and watch Ancient Aliens.

I solemnly vow to be the kind of person that cares about my appearance. I vow to embrace fitness, juicing things, and long walks on the beach.  Just for the week I am away at the spa, mind you.  Because after a week of no wine I am going to be

My newest cocktail napkin may be purchased here.